An Afternoon With Emerson

I really like having titles that sound cool but have no real significance to the post. Although I did spend the day earlier gathering inspirational quotes for the outside of one of my binders and I realized that Emerson said a lot of really interesting things.

Haven't really done a lot today. Went to a WW meeting this morning, as every Saturday. Went to Office Depot after that with Susan to get more things for the binders. I found some neat sports stickers so that was cool.

After that I worked on the binders for a little bit and chatted with people. Then C-bob and I went to Scheel's to look around, because it's always fun to look around there. I ended up buying a new 11-inch softball in case I end up needing it. Not sure what's going to happen with all this baseball/softball stuff but I feel a lot more sure of myself again. I can't not go and at least try. The worst thing that can happen is I don't make a team and I'm already not on a team, so really, it won't be any different than right now. I can worry about getting ready to play either way though.

After Scheel's, I had to stop and pick up my interview clothes that were at my parent's house. They are all nice and clean and in dry cleaner bags. I have to try it on again later and make sure, for certain, that it will work. I know that it will, but you have to be sure.

So I'm really not sure how it is that I'm still awake, but I am. I didn't end up actually going to sleep last night until about 5:30 because I was really into this book I was reading, Time and Again by Jack Finney. He is one of my favorite authors and I have 4 of his other books. I was going to start reading the sequel, From Time to Time, but I have some library books I should really work on reading before taking back. So I started reading You Can't Go Home Again, by Thomas Wolfe instead. But I may read the sequel after all, because after looking at it, that's what I really want to read. I have time to read the other books too, before they are due back.

Oh also, it may or may not snow a lot tonight. I went to the grocery store earlier and it was insane. There were people all over and they must have been understaffed or something. They were having a hard time keeping the cart area full with carts. When I was leaving there were no carts inside for people to use. I don't know if this was because of the possible snow or because it was a Saturday, but I survived. I think I'm gonna go read or play video game... or start another puzzle.. or work on a binder. Something like that. Later cheeseheads!

Go Stars!

Ended up getting my brother's tickets tonight for the hockey game, so I drug C-bob along and we had a pretty good time. Had dinner at IHOP before the game where I enjoyed some nice banana nut pancakes. Ran into an old friend from high school at the game and again after the game at Chili's. Learned that she is dating the hot dog guy, the one that shoots hot dogs into the stands with an airpowered gun, so that was interesting. It's always interesting to run into people you haven't talked to in awhile and learn that sometimes, not a lot has changed.

I'm still thinking about moving again in the near-distant future. Depending on the money I'll be making at my job and all that, I'd really like to move into a place with two bedrooms. There are some projects I want to work on and I'm going to need the space. I figure that I can turn the second bedroom into an office/workspace. I might just see if my current landlady has any 2 bedrooms open around the time I feel ready to move. I don't mind this area of town and I'm pretty used to it, so if I can stay around here, that's cool. I really want my own washer and dryer, in my place, but I don't know if I can find what I want in a place I can afford. Who knows though for sure.

Should be going up to Omaha tomorrow to check out the Strikezone hitting place they have up there. Hit up the cages and see how it goes. I've been back and forth about this tryout thing, but I think I just have to do it. No matter what happens, I can't keep myself from going after something I really want. Even if I don't make it on a team, at least I can say I went. I can't quit. I got a baseball catalog in the mail today and it was like it reminded me of all the reasons I want to play. I am now recommitting to the goal, the time off has been good for thought and reflection, but it's time to get back into gear and get down to work. No more slacking off for me. I swear it as blog as my witness.

Resolutions

I've never really made resolutions before, but I have a feeling this blog is going to be around for awhile, so I can look back in a year and remark on what I did and didn't do. And what seems like a crazy idea now...

So, GD's 2004 Resolutions/Goals (in no particular order):

- Lose weight
- Get into shape
- Join a gym
- Get a job
- Build an RC Car
- Play softball or baseball
- Take the GRE
- Get more computer certs
- Be happy

I'm sure there are more I could write, but that looks good. Hello 2004.

Happy New Year!

I said this tonight.. "Look! It's 2004 and I'm still a dork!" So all must be right with the world.

Resolutions to be posted later, tired now... not going to sleep though. We went and rented more games tonight, Mario Party 4, 1080 Avalanche and Prince of Pershia - Sands of Time. I am addicted to the last one and plan on playing until I pass out. Which really shouldn't be too long from now, but I must reach another save point. I may end up having to own this game. I sometimes forget how addicted to games I can get.

No sleep, must play.

Hope 2004 works out well for you all!

Last Day

Wow, it is in fact the last day of 2003. So how would you guys feel about a very special Quarkstar.com Year 2003 in Review? (Well, tough, I'm doing it anyway...)

How things have changed for me(in no order):
- Quit my job at CBA
- Rediscovered my love of baseball
- Made some new friends
- Learned I can be independent and enjoy it
- Went to and hosted many parties
- Rediscovered some old friends I thought I had lost

Things I have done:
- Again, quit my job at CBA
- Took hitting lessons
- Started going to actually Weight Watchers meetings
- Finally put together my new puzzle (with help)
- Tried being nocturnal on and off for the last 4 months
- Took a class at SCC
- Moved into my current apartment
- Redid the Quarkstar website, more than once
- Started writing again

I think that's good enough for now. I will post my goals for next year tomorrow, so be sure to check back!

Captain Project

So I have been doing a lot of thinking on my own recently, and not really posting about what's going on in my head. This has mainly been do to my lack of understanding about what is, in fact, going on in there. I know that I am back at a point in life where change is necessary. It feels about like it did when I decided it was time to quit my job and seek a higher meaning in life. These things seem to present themselves in similar patterns and I am beginning to see them clearly now.

It usually starts out with a growing need to be alone. Sometimes I find that even IMing people is too much of a distraction. It's not because I don't care about my friends or that I don't want to talk to them, it's just that my mind needs to be taken care of and needs pretty much all of my attention. Add to this withdrawal a generally down feeling, not really depressed but sort of closer to a feeling of just existing but not really excited about anything. So then I have to deal with my thoughts or they will drive me crazy.

The next step tends to be seeking out even better ways to be alone and think. This usually comes in the form of late night trips to the grocery store, which also involved at least an hour and a half of just driving around. In general I pick a store that's really far away, get some soda and then drive around talking to myself. Talking to yourself is not crazy, it's a very good way to analyze the things that seem so confusing and jumbled up in my head. So I do this every once in awhile, and in doing this I hope to have some kind of break through. Tonight I may very well have made a break through.

The main thought right now is about how to break a bad habit and cycle. My problems seem to stem from an inability to stay motivated to working on things. I have been like this for as long as I remember, something new comes along and I'm excited about it for weeks and months, but then the excitement wanes and I move on or simply quit. This kind of behavior, though, won't lead me to the things I want to accomplish in life. So I figured out that I need a plan.

The first is to look at how to tackle the big issue. What motivates me and what will keep me going. I am motivated by a feeling of accomplishment. The milestones that you reach while trying to achieve something should keep me going. I also know that if I have to accomplish something, then I have to break it down into parts. Looking at things as a whole picture is overwhelming for me and quickly drives my desires to quit.

So what am I going to do about this? I came up with a plan while driving around tonight and I plan to implement it. It's loosely based on something that Susan showed me that she is doing. Basically I am going to use lists, tasks and a form of behavior modification to get the results I want. I am going to list the things I want to accomplish in the future. Then each of those things becomes it's own list, under which I will list the tasks to be completed to reach that. And those tasks could branch out into their own lists and so on. Then I can work to accomplish the smaller tasks that will lead to the bigger ones. I am going to use binders and print things out on the computer. Then I will have a system for tracking my completion of the little tasks.

Here's an example: I want to play baseball. To play baseball I will need to learn the skills and get into better physical condition. To get into physical condition, I will need to start exercising and eating better. For exercising, I should be doing 30 mins of cardio work at least 3 times a week. (There are obviously more things involved, but this is just one branch off example). So then I can make my tracking chart, put the dates at the top and down the side the tasks that should be accomplished, in this case, 30 mins of cardio. Then as those are completed, I check them off.

I still need to figure out what to do about rewarding myself. I know the accomplishments will be pretty good rewards but at the same time, having something to work for is good too. Things like new CDs or video games might motivate me.

This is what happens when you have a lot of time on your hands and nothing to lose in thinking over sleeping. I plan on using tomorrow to get this project under way. I think this very well may be the most important project of my life. This seems to be the project to save all other projects. It is possible to do the things I want to do, I just need to find what it takes to do them.

I came up with a great question for myself tonight. I was thinking about how much work it takes to accomplish things and I thought, "But it's so much easier to just quit and do nothing." to which my brain responded with the question "Yea, but are you happy?"

Good old late night driving.

Yea, I'm Strange

I have not done anything worth mention yet today, outside chatting with people. I have to get to the library tonight, I know that for sure. I was going to go this afternoon, but for some reason I keep putting it off, endlessly. So I have to get there before they close tonight, this is the only thing I have to accomplish today. I also want to stop somewhere and find a bike pump to put more air in my ever increasing collection of basketballs. Don't ask.

So I am now obsessed with trying to figure out how tall I really am. I thought I was 5'7" but I might actually be taller than that now. I tried measuring myself earlier, and I came up with 5'8", but then I was wearing shoes so now I don't know. And Susan and I tried this thing on Saturday to get my height and she came up with 5'9" and that was without shoes. Now I know I'm not 5'9", but I really don't know what the exact height is. I guess it's really not that big of a deal, but in a way it is to me. For the longest time I've been seeing life from what I think is 5'7", but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm taller than that? *shrug* I am strange.

People!

Hey everyone! It's about time for me to get another post in!

I spent most of today with good old Susan and Nick doing various fun stuff like eating pizza, playing video games and finishing up that puzzle I started the other day. We did some shopping early on because I'm still debating what to get with my gift cards. We ended up going to Barnes, where we got coffee (this was just Susan and I), then we met up with Nick at Target and went to Arby's for lunch. After that we ditched Nick and hit ShopKo and got my car washed. Later we hooked back up with Nick, ordered pizza, hit Blockbuster and came back to my place to play games and eat.

We only ended up renting Mario Kart Double Dash for Gamecube because game rental prices were a lot higher that I was expecting. They were about $6.50 for a week and I just didn't feel like paying that much for another game. The game itself isn't that bad but it just didn't seem as much fun as the N64 version, which I own. There was something about it that just felt like it was lacking. Maybe it was the fact that the only real improvements on the game were better graphics, but the game play was really similar. The multiplayer battle modes were fun but we didn't really play long enough to get a grasp on the controls and all that. After we played that for awhile we switched to Godzilla but that game is also a bit lacking in the actual game play.

After they went home I ended up going over and bother C-bob for awhile. It was cool to just sit around and talk even though now I'm totally exhausted and should really be in bed. I also touched a rat tonight. Alright, so it's a pet rat but this big for me because that little thing creeps me out. I guess it didn't bite off my finger like I had imagined it would, but still, I don't know. It has red beady eyes and sniffs a lot. Oh well, I touched it and didn't die, so that's at least something I can be proud of, I guess.

Well, sleep time! Night all!