Day

Got up early. It was raining.
Drove around, conquered fears, came home.
Left again,
to the park.
Checked out some sportings goods.
Then baseball all night.
It was good,
now I'm tired.
Good night.

Overcoming Me

I have to work past my old ways and not let them creep back. I noticed today, while taking a GRE assessment test, just how much farther I have to go. The whole process made me angry and ready to quit. Simply put, it was making me feel stupid and I was down talking myself, thinking "I can't do this." and other non-productive things.

I have to just recognize the fact that I have to learn some things first before I can succeed. Just because I didn't understand the math the first time, doesn't mean I can't learn. I just need to find the steps to approaching the problems and learn how to do them. I just need to put study time in. With work, I can beat that GRE test. It's only a test and it shouldn't be allowed to effect me that much.

My only other concern right now is the status of my left elbow. It's been hurting the last few days but I don't want to let it stop me. I want to be able to just forget about it and keep doing what I want. Part of me knows that if I push it too much, I could do real damage, but the other part of me is saying, "Just don't think about it, it's only transitional pain and it will go away soon." I got an elbow brace thing at Walmart tonight, so I'm hoping this will help with the problem. I can't stand the idea of not being able to catch for a week or more, that would probably kill me. I enjoy it way too much. I believe strongly in mind over matter, so I'm hoping that if I keep the attitude that it's just a temporary soreness, then it will get better.

I am still working on ways to deal with my own frustration. I am trying to find things I can do when I'm frustrated that are both healthy and helpful. I think from now on when something like GRE studying or anything else gets me upset, I'll just go for a walk. That will both help clear my mind and be good for me.

Update

I haven't been doing much with the site or really posting much of my day to day things anymore. I tried changing the Journal section over and posting my day to day things there, which is my plan for the future, but some how it started posting in the wrong order, and I can't figure out how to get it to post correctly. I want the posts to go from newest to oldest, like they do here. It used to do that and I can't figure out what I might have changed to make it backwards, so I don't know how to fix it. Frustrating.

I have been spending a lot of time at the park (el parque) lately with C-bob. We are now in training to play softball/baseball. I think I really want to play baseball because I can't think of any reason why I can't do it. I can throw and catch pretty well right now but I need to work on other skills. I have no running skills currently and I have never batted against a baseball. I do know how to bat against slow pitched softball, so I hope that's and advantage, but I'm really not sure it will be. I hope to look back on this in a year and say "wow, I knew I could do it!" For sure by this time next year I want to be playing softball again. I loved playing softball and I regret ever quitting. I'm thinking about doing some more training on being a catcher.

I think that being a catcher would be cool because it's really a very important part of the team. You have to know a lot of things about the other teams, player, all the pitchers and work well with the umpires. You have to be in charge of the infield play and block the plate on plays at home. I don't think catchers get the credit they deserve, it's an extremely difficult position to play.

I found out where my class is going to be next week, so that's good. It will be interesting to be back in a class, even if it isn't a traditional class. I am taking a creative writing class and it will be nice to have an audience to share my writing with.

I spent part of the afternoon making flashcards and I have some more GRE studying to do. I wish I was a more studious person, but it's just hard for me to sit and study for very long. I get impatient and bored easily. I want this enough that I am going to find a way to work around this though.

Things I Need to Do

1. Finish Vocab Flashcards
2. Study for GRE
3. Find Topic for Critical Essay
4. Begin Working on "The Book"
5. Start Working on a Short Story
6. Go Through Writer's Market Book
7. Clean the Kitchen Floor
8. Respond to Emails (I'm so bad about this, sorry everyone!)
9. Pay Electricity Bill
10. Go to the Grocery Store
11. Remember That I Have Class Starting Next Week

Not Enough Experience

I know I posted earlier about trying to find some temporary work, so last week I applied with a staffing company for some kind of clerical or office assistant position. They just called me back and apparently I don't have enough office experience to get a job through them. Because that kind of work would be so difficult. There was also a hesitance because of my plans to go back to school.

At first I was a bit taken aback. Who wants to hear "we don't have anything for you, try someone else" from a staffing agency? Looks like I have to use my own skills to make money and not rely on getting a job any time soon. I'm filled with mixed emotions right now. I think it's funny on one hand that they don't count my 2 years at the help desk as enough experience to handle clerical/secretarial work but I'm also kind of upset, because it makes me feel pigeon-holed as a computer technician. Oh well, I don't need them anyway. I will find a way to survive and get what I want. Mark my words. I am more committed now than ever.

Monday Thoughts

So it's another fantastic Monday morning, good morning all!

I have learned some things recently that are both scary and interesting at the same time. It seems that something I thought was near impossible, may not be so impossible afterall. The biggest hurdle between the two is myself and my self-defeating ways.

I think that with my new emphasis on life changes and goal setting, it's time to come to terms with my inner demons and weed them out. I need to take a careful look at where I am only hurting myself and change my attitude about things. I am a firm believer in the idea that we can all have whatever we want in life, if we are willing to put the effort into getting there. This is my new rule for living. I am going to embrace this idea fully and try my best to stick by it.

There are times, when posting in this journal, where I seem a bit cryptic, but I can explain. There are things I want and want to do that I rank on scale. There are the things I'm willing to post here, those that I feel are safe for anyone to see, but also there are things that I find are a bit too personal for a forum like this. There are times when I would like to post some of the more personal things, simply for my own benefit, but I don't because not everything needs to be "public."

This is why having close friends is extremely important. I find that with my friends, I can share some of these hopes and dreams. I think my friends are awesome and I would never want to lose any of them. If anything, I wish I could spend more time with them, getting to know them better and just being there as needed. I want my friends to feel like they can come to me with anything and I will be there to listen.

Ok, so enough of that happy huggie hippie-crap.

The Cubs won last night!! GO CUBS!! That is so amazing, 95 years!! GO CUBS!!!

They went out to play with heart and they won because they wanted it so much. The Braves played a lot better during the season, but the Cubs had the desire. So that just goes to show, a lot of how we get along in life is attitude. Sometimes simply wanting something more than anything else is enough to motivate you to actually get it.

It's All Relative

Yesterday I went over to my parent's house and my aunt, uncle and the two youngest cousins came over to visit. They live in Arizona and I only see them about once a year. My cousins are now 11 (almost 12) and 14 and really active. They seem to be really close as sisters, which I think is pretty cool. We all goofed around and had a pretty good time.

I realized by looking at my relatives that genetics really exist. It was interesting to see how much my cousins looked like sister but also looked a bit like myself. You can tell that we are related, even more than you can tell between me and my brother.

They invited me to come visit in Arizona, which they have in the past many times, but maybe this time I might actually take them up on the offer. I'd just have to fly down to Tucson and I could stay with them for a little bit. It might be a nice change of pace, if I can find the money to fly down there and back. I'll just have to keep it in mind for the future.

That's something I have been debating recently. I love traveling but I'm not overly found of the actually getting to places. I have an unrealistic fear of the interstate but I am trying to overcome this. I won't drive on the interstate yet though, mainly due to a fear of on-ramps and trucks. I'm thinking though, before I get back into school, maybe I need to do some traveling around. It would be nice to see some different places again and it would be refreshing. When I was a kid, my family traveled a lot, so I miss it sometimes.

So if I figure out the money issue, I may just show up and visit some of you guys sometime. ;)