Dreaming

Maybe this is because I read through C-bob's post, or the fact that it is 4:15AM and I'm still on some kind of major caffeine high, but I decided to go ahead a make a post.

First off, I have been thinking more just recently about fate and the actions that surround us that we can't fully understand. Those small things that happen that cause larger things to occur in our lives, but don't always make sense at the time. What is the meaning of these things and why do they happen? Is there a certain possible destiny that we are all following, in our own way? I like to believe in fate and the idea that the things that are supposed to happen, will happen. But we have to be willing to see the signs and make the changes that life is pointing out to us.

I have been long ignoring the signs and nagging feelings about my direction in life. I listen too much to the wrong people and have forgotten to focus on the things I enjoy and at which I do well. I think deep down we all probably have an idea of who we are and what we are truly meant to do. But there is a lot of fear and pressure involved with reaching out and grabbing at these hopes and dreams. There are our parents, our friends, and even society in general that can push us in other directions. Sometimes these things arrive only as distractions or events happen to sidetrack you from getting where you want to be.

This leads me to my nagging question, one that has bothered me for a long time now. Why didn't I just major in English when I knew, deep down, that that was what I wanted to major in? I think the main problem at the time was that I did not feel the degree would mean much and I didn't think it would get me a job. Well my business degree did get me a job, but I hated it after awhile. It simply ate away at my soul and dragged me way down into a pit I never thought I would get out of. I am not an office worker, ever since I was 9 years old, I could have told you that. I used to say that as a kid, "I could never work in an office, when would I get to see the outdoors?"

So I toiled away at this job I hated because I felt like I had to do it. I have a feeling I hated that job long before I would consciously accept that fact. The people, for the most part, were wonderful. I met some great people and made some great friends there. The job was just not my calling and I should have realized it sooner.

So what about destiny? I left that job due to the overwhelming unhappiness it brought to my life. I was miserable, cranky, mean, rageful and I can't think much fun to be around. These are bad things to go through, trust me; you don't want them. When you start to feel this way and you let it affect your work life and your outside life, it's time to make changes. In my case, walking away was the best change I could have ever made.

But now I sit here, without a job but full of a weird ambition. I have bought my own freedom and the simple idea of that fact makes me joyous. I know that I can finally do the things that I have always wanted to do. I am going to apply for graduate school, in English and I am going to be accepted, some where. This just has to happen. I hope this feeling is one of me finally matching up with my destiny for awhile. I think I'm also really scared. It's scary to be jobless and not have any idea what the future holds. I know that I have been wasting time though and it's time to get back on track and do what I need to do.

I think it's similar to what these dreaming baseball players go through. You take a ton of risk to try and be something in a sport that you love. You risk relationships and having a steady, stress-free life just to get a one in a million chance to make it as a big league ball player. But these guys that so entertained me this summer, they took that risk and everything it involves. It's time to take that risk.

I have noticed that this commentary section is becoming less and less journal like and more and more column like in structure. I like this. I think that I may have to make some changes, again, to the scope of each blog. Maybe I will just make section for fiction and non-fiction writing and let this blog stand alone. Or else I will let my brain run in here and form a second blog where I can talk about hanging out with my friends and eating tacos. I hope this change in entries has helped to make this blog more interesting. I guess I care about what my reader's will get from this.

Well enough super long entries from me. I hope you are all safe and well!

It's Ian!!

This is Ian Church, one of my favorite Saltdogs. These pictures are from when he played at Stetson University in Florida.

Projects = Work

C-bob and I have officially started our huge, time consuming, massive web site project. We are creating a site about the Lincoln Saltdogs baseball team and it is requiring a huge amount of research time. C-bob is currently working on the webpage design and layout while I scour the web for bits and pieces of information about each player to put into their profile pages. We decided to create a page for every player that ever played for the Saltdogs, no matter how long or short that time period may have been. Doing this research, you start to really understand the ups and downs these guys go through in professional baseball. Not many of them see any major league (or even affiliated minor league) play, and those that have, don't seem to stay there very long. It's a hard dream to have to be a pro-ballplayer, because the odds are completely against you.

In order to make the research a bit less of a headache, C-bob and I have split up the players between us and have formed our own "teams." We each have 63 players/coaches to research and some of them will be easier than others. C-bob created an html template last night that will help with organizing the information as we find it. My duties with the site will be as a sort of "content editor" and general "whatever needs to be done" type person. This project is going to be awesome, I think. Once we get it online and get this initial mass of work done, the upkeep will seem super easy by comparison. I'm thinking of maybe using blogger to do game recaps on the site, but I haven't talked to C-bob about this yet.

Once the site is actually up and running, I will post a link to it so you guys can all check it out. I really have to get back to researching, so have a good afternoon all!

Updates

As I was working on updating the website, looking to do a new design for the main page, I came to the realization that this page is the bulk main part of the site. So why not just make it the main page? I still have to add some links and what not, but I think this is for the best. I did save the old layout and some of the older pages still need layout updates. You can see the old main page here.

What A Story

I was thinking yesterday, while driving home, about the whole process of telling stories to other people. We all have events that happen to us during the day and a lot of us enjoy telling our family or friends about our days. I think that's why blogs or online journals are so popular. It can bring in a larger audience to your stories or at least it allows you to get the stories all in one place so your friends can see them. I think story telling is a very important part of human interaction and sometimes we do this without even knowing it.

One thing I do know, though, is that sometimes embellishment is needed just to make the story more interesting. Maybe that car that pulled in front of you didn't come near hitting you, but the story just sounds better if you tell it like that. I have a feeling that a lot of people do this, maybe without even knowing, but it seems to be acceptable. Maybe it's that your listener sometimes enjoys the stories as much as you enjoy telling them.

I just wonder how fair the embellishments are. Is it really ok to add elements to a story that didn't actually happen just to make the story more interesting? I don't think I would go so far as to call it lying, because you aren't really trying to get away with anything, you are just trying entertain your friends. I guess it's in the same sense that while a movie isn't real it's also not considered a lie.

I think a good story has to have a mix of two elements for the listener to really enjoy. I think there has to be some connection to that person and some amount of excitement or something that draws the person in. A story about me driving home and nothing happening, isn't very interesting because that happens all the time. A story of me driving home and seeing a giant chicken, now that has an amount of interest to it. Plus, for some people it's even more interesting because they too saw that giant chicken.

This makes me think more about the difference between interesting blogs and uninteresting ones, in my opinion. I have been guilty of having what I consider an uninteresting blog in the past, so this isn't directly related to anyone else's blog but my own. I think interesting blogs are ones that talk about strange events that happen or things that make me start thinking. I also find it interesting to read about other people's days in recap form, because it's nice to see how other people live sometimes. What I don't like are blogs that just become complaining spots. Sometimes I read these and want to scream "well do something about it then!" I'm also not fond of the people who seem to only write about failed relationships and dwell on themselves a lot. There are a lot of things going on in this world, I think recording them into a blog can be a great thing.

My only other comment on blogging is my wonder at wanting people I don't even know to read this, and read it often. Maybe it's purely an ego thing. It makes me feel good to know that I am at least somewhat entertaining to other people. Deep down, even though I rarely admit it, I actually do like other people. So when I see that someone has left me a comment, it makes me feel special some how. Like someone actually cared enough to take the time to tell me something. So to you, my friends and followers, thank you! *grin*

Mama I'm Coming Home!

I ran some errands this afternoon, got some more stuff mailed off and what not. This selling on half.com is going really well. I went over to my parent's house to find some boxes for computer games I knew were still there, so I can sell them. I ended up staying there for dinner, which was really good. I tend to forget what it is like to eat homecooked food in a meal format. It was amazing, side dishes, salad, and a main dish. I'm telling you it's crazy, but wonderful. I found some more books lying around at their place to list so I brought them back with me too. I also found my missing matchbox twenty CD, the newest one, so that made me happy.

On my way home I followed this van that had a window air conditioner in the back window. It was the kind you would normally see used in houses. Also on the back of the van was a decal that said "Van House of Lincoln Nebraska" with a little picture of a van. I guess that means the owner lives in the van? Either that or it's a converted van for use like a camper. I did notice that it had an awning on the right side. I found it somewhat interesting to look at.

I've been debating whether or not to link from here to my half.com store for various reasons. I don't want my blog to seem like I am just trying to sell things. Then again, I have had people ask me what I am selling, probably more out of curiosity than anything. So I am only going to put the link once here, and if you want to look, go ahead, but I'm not trying to push it or anything. Quarkstar Half.com Store.

Post For C-Bob

edit(1-14-05): oops! This is NOT Daling "DJ" Rengifo, but he's still cool. This is Matt Ducheck! Sorry Matt, no harm intended!!

Dreamweaver

I still have not found my Dreamweaver CD and it's kind of odd how I was sitting here thinking that I wouldn't be able to update my website without it. I know this isn't true because I could just do the page in HTML. I even know enough HTML or have the resources available to make the site I want using notepad. I don't need Dreamweaver to make a webpage, but ever since I started using it, it's all I want to use.

The main reason I want to redo the main site is that I want the page to have a more consistent feel. I want all the pages to look and feel like they are part of the same website. This should be easy enough to accomplish, it's just going to mean going away from the hand-drawn page look to a more streamlined, typical look. I want the page to be more inviting overall, so that's what I'm looking for. I want to first page to interest people enough to look around at what else is here.

I have a "work" cap now it seems. I got the Minnesota Golden Gopher's cap off eBay, and whenever I am working on the site, I have been wearing it. So I think I will just keep up with that trend. Putting the cap on gives me the feeling of being ready to get some work done. It's a good feeling to have.

At Least It's Positive

Seen on the back of rubber band box...

"Sizzle without Snap. brites! rubber bands add sunshine to your day while they help you do your job. A brite addition to your desk or work station and a supply of high quality rubber bands brite-ly color coded by size for easy use."

Just One With the Freaks

I forgot what an interesting and sometimes enjoyable time a person can have running errands during the middle of the day. I think if we focus on the fact that the bulk of people able to run errands at this time of day are jobless or old, you can start to see the fun involved. I think the whole day's mood was set when I pulled to a stop at 27th and O only to look right and see a giant dancing chicken. In an attempt to promote their cash advance place, the company had a person out on the corner in an inflatable chicken suit jumping around. I have to admit it did bring a smile to my face, because it was really quite comical. The battery in my camera is dead, otherwise I would have taken a picture to post here.

I had to stop and pick up my cell phone, which I left at my parent's house yesterday and got to bother the dog for a bit. She's pretty cute and this is probably the best way to own a pet. I get to see her and play with her, but I don't have to take care of the day to day things, it's great really.

I ended up stopping at 2 grocery stores on the way back home, Russ's and HyVee. At Russ's all I wanted to do was grab the soda that was on sale and get out of there. There were two lines open, in one line the checker and the people checking out seemed deep in conversation so I went to the other checkout. I was behind two older women checking out and both of them seemed to know the checker well enough to have conversations with her. I learned that she was still working on buying her grandson's birthday present and other needless gossip. She was really nice though, and I got out of there eventually. At HyVee, it was like the parade of freaks. Some of the weirdest people I have ever seen shop there, like the little old ladies that were ahead of me in line. I'm sure they are all nice, lovely people, but the one directly in front of me had already paid and then went back, grabbed a candy bar and had to have to rung up again separately. It's hard to explain these two little old ladies, but they were a matched set and walked and moved in unison with each other. It was really quite interesting.

I got home and got a bunch of stuff listed for sale on half.com then I made some vocab flashcards. Go vocab! Yay! I ran out of flashcards though and had to run to Office Depot to get more. Luckily that trip was uneventful. I get back here and find out that one item on half.com had already sold, which is great. I like money. So I have to run to Walgreen's to get an envelope and then stop at the post office to mail it off. The post office was uneventful but there was a very upset lady at Walgreen's trying to get money back for "paper towels that she didn't buy." I heard her arguing with a manager and another clerk as I was leaving so I'm not sure exactly what was going on. They kind of acted like she had done this before because the front clerk seemed to know who she was the minute she walked back in.

Well that was my eventful day, but now I am off to the wonderful world of vocab flashcards. Peace!

Jessie!

Tired

I'm not used to being awake at this time of day. My eyes are having trouble adjusting to the monitor or even staying open. I can't give in though because this is what I am choosing to do, so I'll try to not complain.

I have a whole list of things I want to accomplish today so I figure as long as I stick to that, I will be fine. Well, it's time to go start working on my list, good day all!

Site Updating

I changed the layout look for The Quarkstar Journal. No new content added yet, but I am trying to tie all the pages into something consistent and easier to read. That is my hope anyway. I am trying to get away from the stark white backgrounds.

Motivation

This is probably one of the more common themes in my blog but it is something I have to deal with on a daily basis. I really have to think about my motivation and realize that if I am going to achieve what I want to in life, I have to put the effort into getting there. I've been slacking off for long enough now and it's time to get back into my life and figure out what I am doing. I really don't want another job like I have had in the past if I can help it. I am realistic in the knowledge that my savings won't last forever but there are things I can change that will make it last a lot longer.

So let me say this to you all that read my blog, I have a new plan. I can no longer purchase things that do not fall under the category of a needed item from my savings. No more video games, CDs, baseball cards, eBay junk or books. I need to go through what I have currently and sell anything that I don't use or read. I need to start justifying my expenses and stop wasting money. I'm not worried about paying bills or anything but I am worried about losing this wonderful freedom I have now.

I am going to set myself up with a work schedule and force myself to stick to it. I need to spend at least 8 hours a day writing, researching, reading and otherwise preparing myself for the future. I need to get contacts and get things out for publication consideration. I need to become much stronger as a writer and I need to find the inner motivation to go for my dream. What is having a dream worth if you aren't willing to put the effort into fulfilling it?

Plan starts tomorrow morning, 9AM.

Awake

I finally did get some sleep and it was good. I am going to do some laundry here soon and probably watch some more movies or just veg with the TV this afternoon. I don't watch TV much but sometimes it can be a good way to just turn off the brain and relax. I estimate I probably watch 1-2 hours of TV a week and that's about all I need.

I have decided to try and get back into a normal sleep and wake schedule for awhile. I liked being up all night for some things but I think I'm ready to try being awake during the day for a change. Since the weather is starting to change to being cool enough to go out and enjoy, it will be nice to be able to head over to the park and read or just go for a walk. I'd like to do those things while most people are wasting away at work. You lucky job-havers you. :)

Exhausted

So between the time that I woke up on Friday around 4:30 and now, I have logged a total of 2.5 hrs of actual sleep. I was out last night until 2AM and then I got all wrapped up in the redesign of the site that I didn't really get to bed until 10AM. Then I wasn't really able to get to sleep and was woken by noises outside. I just decided to give up and stay awake.

C-bob and I had a baseball movie marathon today and tonight. We rented Bull Durham, Rookie of the Year, Major League and The Natural. We also watched 61* , which is a movie I already own. We didn't end up getting through watching The Natural, as it was getting pretty late, but we did get all the other movies watched. I liked most of the movies a lot, except for Major League, which just didn't seem all that funny to me. It had too many long, dragging, boring parts, in my opinion. We got pizza earlier in the evening and I have a ton left over now, which is always great. One other note, in Rookie of the Year, Daniel Stern does a great job with his character. Adds a lot of charm to the movie.

Around midnight we decided to head out to Walmart to look at stuff and then pick up some food at the mexican place. That place must put crack in the food because it's really good. I got the #7 tonight, which is the two beef burrito combo. This ended up being more food than any one person should eat in one sitting, so I scored even more leftovers. With the other leftovers from this week, I'm set for a bit.

For the lack of sleep that I have had recently, one would think I would be unable to even function. The problem is that for some reason I don't want to go to bed. It's like my mind thinks it's going to be missing out on something or giving up on something else. I'm really not sure what it is but hopefully I will be sleeping soon. I think the problem is that I am so motivated to work on my website, that I don't want anything standing in the way, not even sleep. I guess I'm just a little bit crazy like that.

Thanks for the nice comments about the redesign. I am a feedback junkie. :)