I went for a walk tonight, trying to clear my head, only to simply find myself more depressed and moody then I have been in a long time. It is kind of like falling into a hole, one that you know is there, and that sometimes you can side step, or jump over, but sometimes you just can't help but fall in. You don't want to fall in, you want someone to stop you, grab you, help you out, but where is that person at?
I have come to find that always being the happy, kidding person has it's biggest downfall when you try to do anything serious or have any serious conversations with people. People just expect you to cheer them up, to help them feel better, to help them out with their problems, but when you have problems, where are these people? Where did they go when you need them the most?
I sat and thought a lot today about how even though I am being much more social than I used to be, I still feel very alone. Seems the only place I can really get my thoughts out is in this blog, which doesn't lend itself well to giving feedback. I am missing a partner I guess. I just wish I had someone that would ask me how I was feeling, how my day went, things like that. Not major things, but just showing that they actually care about me enough to come out of their self-absorbed worlds to make sure I'm alright. I could just leave, for hours and hours and would anyone notice? No. I want someone in my life that would put me first. I am tired of coming in second to everyone else. It's getting old and I just don't know that I can handle it much any more.
I really have issues with being ditched or let down. It has happened too many times now for me to not feel it in even the most meaningless of actions. I don't know what to do though. I am missing my partner, the up to my down, the left to my right, etc. Sometimes I feel like if I'm about to fall, I will fall alone, because no one will even notice. Don't take for granted the people in your life, they need you as much as you need them.
I have this horrible feeling deep inside, and I can't make it go away. Maybe I am just tired, maybe I am just messed up, who knows. I no longer feel like starting converstations, or being in them, when they seem to always be the same mundane things over and over. I lack meaningful conversations in my life so all I can do is internalize everything until it drives me crazy. There is only so far you can get when you are talking to yourself. I basically have become adept at making myself more miserable.
My blog has just become a place for me to throw out my splattered soul and see if there is anything left in there to repair. This is the most down I have been in a long time. I don't mean to say these things to upset anyone or worry people. But sometimes you have to get things out in the open. Do not pester me about this, just be genuine. I know this kind of stuff makes people nervous and places a stigma on my head, but whatever. I need people around me that will stick by me and not just ditch me for the first better offer that comes around.
Did this help me much? Not really, but it is better than nothing. Just, please, remember to care about the other people in your life, sometimes bad things can happen to people that are marganilized too many times. Everytime hurts, everytime stays with you, everytime eats away, leaving another hole in which to fall. Please don't let that happen to other people, please.
I want to be happy, but I don't think there is much I can do about it right now. I have no idea why I can't connect with other people on that level, I know that I want to. I have tried giving only to have nothing come back in return. I just don't know how many more times I am even going to be willing to try. I want to connect with someone, have the things that the people I know have, why I don't seem able to have that, I don't know. And I don't know what to do about it.
No happy endings here... just..endings.
