I tried sleeping... and earlier I was succeeding... sleep was good. Now.. it eludes me like some strange lofty golden prize that I cannot reach but really want. My brain is cranking out the oddest of thoughts.. and I feel unable to cope with them for a change. Right now I am just trying to sort through them best I can and only focus on those that have actually meaning, like whether or not I'm hungry or the likes. I am tired though... which is helpful. This blog is being formed by my brain but seems a bit overly random, even for me. Is this post pointless, I guess so. I just can't stop typing... or sneezing apparently... this is an all too reoccurring pattern, but hell if I know what to do about it... maybe it's the start of my descent into insanity... or maybe it's just a sinus infection..... who knows.... those two are so easy to get mixed up... just ask Britton....
I have too many stupid thoughts and have told myself that I need to look at things on face value and not always analyze everything to death... the problem with analyzing things is that most of the time I analyze to the point beyond which reason makes sense.... it is no longer a valid cause and effect situation... rather a cause.. the actual effect.. and my screwed up view of the effect.... and then my generally misunderstanding of said screwed up view... which leads to more analyzation, which brings me into a whole world of "reality" that doesn't exist... quite trippy really....
Bob did not log in today, at least that I noticed... so here is how my mind screws this up..... according to my mind she must be dead... because it's bob.. and she is always on line..... she must have died at work or something..... I know that rationally she is probably just doing something.... but no.. my mind won't let it be just that.... if she's not dead... then she is sick or injured... or something bad.... my brain has been trained by a pro-pessimist but that would be a story for a whole other blog... no optimistic mind can be beaten down so much by another's pessimism... it just makes the brain unable to figure out what the hell to think... so it just pouts and gets stupid... too many side pulling too many ways.... what the hell should it do?
So it seems these "brain explosions" are going to become a more regular part of my blog...and I guess that's cool... because how much do you guys care what I had for breakfast? (banana nut barley oatmeal, btw) This is either going to have the effect of making people read more, read less... or someone call and get me professional help... I don't think I need that.... so please read... this is mind trippy for me.. and I have no idea what effect it will have on other people. I just have to let my brain work, otherwise what's the point of having one? I need more books that make my mind trip out.... I think I am going to read "God's Debris" by Scott Adams, I hear that is a trippy book... a thought experiment... sounds like something for me. *wonders how many readers she has lost by this point* (ha.. fool.. you have to have readers to lose readers...geez... )
My body wants to go sleep.. my brain does not... which makes me wonder.. how can my body want one thing and my brain want something else? I mean, biologically, they are part of the same system... so how is that even possible? And why does the brain usually win?? I guess since the brain is in control, it makes the ultimate decision.. but why would it not want what was in the best interest of the body? Why would it not want to do what was best for the team as a whole? Seems to me that the brain is quite selfish in this matter. I mean, always what the brain wants, not what anyone else wants. And what about the involuntary movements sometimes? Is that the body's way of trying to have some manner of control, or at least to flex it's free will and say hey.. we listen to you brain, but we are still here and can still do stuff. Who knows. Why does my brain allow me to create such things as above, but not allow me to do other things... like speak foreign languages or draw really good still life pictures.
Why was my brain wired to just think about itself. I know other people don't do this, this kind of thing is hard for them, just as math is hard for me, although strangely enjoyable at the same time. Math is hard because it is so perfect, there is no flex, no multitude of possible right answers. Just yes or no, left or right, up or down. You are either right or you are wrong. And where I can do some amount of math, my brain seems wired for things that are not so clear cut. This is why I always liked English classes, a place where you can do really great by analyzing and looking at ideas and seeing what they mean, to you. There really are no wrong answers provided you can back up your ideas. Philosophy is the same thing for me. I like the pensive moody arts I guess. I am a thinker by nature and thus sometimes seem a bit off... it's not that I don't care about people, it's just sometimes I'm too busy with my own brain to notice. My brain needs a lot of maintenance to keep it from getting over analytical and stupid... which it often does.
And under pressure, it will attack and lash out with it's stupidness to anyone within range. And the stupidness trails around and overall shames the rest of the body who feels that being stupid makes us all look bad. Ok, now that is starting to sound crazy. We, us, it, team, so maybe there is not just a one to me. But this is not craziness, all the parts that are of me are me. It's not like there are parts that are different people, no everything works together to create the me that is presented to the world. The sane me, I guess, that seems to feel that in order to fit in, you have to work as a whole and present this preconceived sane front. Oh well. It is all part of the norms of being human. No mercy is given to those that do not fit in, I think a lot of us know this all to well. I say screw em. I want to do what I want, when I want to. I am not going to stop being me just so I can gain some pre-determined ideal of what I should and shouldn't have in life. I need to be satisfied with what I end up with, because at the end of the day, who else do I truly have to answer to?
So now that my brain seems to have become quelled by this outpouring of random thoughts, I should really close down for the night and try to get some sleep. My brain right now is a mixture of tired, over clocked, lonely and bored. Why it is lonely, I don't really know. What to do about it, not sure if I care. Can't force people to do things, as I have mentioned before. So instead I make cryptic entries in my stupid blog that no one reads and certainly no one would understand. I have never been one to come out straight and state my feelings, etc. This is something that can only be known once a trust relationship has been established, and even then, if you get to know, then count yourself lucky... I guess. I don't know if lucky is the right word, as who really wants to take on the burden of other people's problems. Especially when you can barely handle your own.
I want to end with a theory that Jami taught me. A good theory but very hard to put into practice. We all carry stones through life and what we do with them is what matters. You have many choices, you can carry them, you can throw them, or you can drop them. Jami said the best course of action is to simply drop them, just let them go. Carrying them through life is a drag on your system. Throwing them will only create ripples that effect other people and their stones. He also said to look out for people throwing stones or trying to give them to you. Don't take anyone else's stones and carry them, simply let them fall to the ground. So that is your homework for tonight my friends, think about that one and see what you can make of it.
For those that this whole blog was taxing and nonsensical, your homework for tonight is page 53, question 1-11 in the Addison-Wesley College Algebra book.
